As I am exploring my heathenism and Christianity, I have begun to think back to the origins of my heathen side & my Christian side or in other words what led me to where I am now.
I was born and raised Roman Catholic. I was baptized and received communion through the church. I went to a catholic school until 7th grade. When I was confirmed in 1995, my mother told me that it was pretty much up to me to figure out if I wanted to continue in Roman Catholicism or something else. The late 90's was a time of sorting. I was sorting out a lot of things from religion to my sexuality. My budding homosexuality was in conflict with my beliefs as a Roman Catholic because of the church's stance on gays. So I decided to stray from the church. I began exploring a lot of esoteric studies. I picked up books on Celtic Magic, Norse Magic, ESP, Chakras, Meditations, etc. I would walk into Waldenbooks or B. Dalton's and plummed through their "New Age/ Metaphysical" section. I have to say that's where I began a lot of work with meditation, using crystals, exploring chakras, and Wicca. At the time, I wasn't ready to throw myself into being a witch. The concepts and mythology were fascinating to me but I wasn't ready to take the next step. You can say I wasn't ready to let go of my Catholicism just yet. I wasn't feeling Christian nor pagan at the time. I was exploring.
During a particularly hard semester at Canisius College, I happen to walk through the Student Union and a priest was handing out Gideon Bibles. It was basically the New Testament and the Psalms. It resonated in me to reconnect with Jesus and God. So I began a regiment of praying the "Our Father","Hail Mary", and the "Glory Be". These prayers were from my childhood and I knew them by heart. Praying every morning or when I was worried or scared helped. It gave me some comfort. Reading some of the Psalms and scriptures helped me deal with the problems I had. That began my personal relationship with Jesus. I would often speak to him plainly in my head as if he were there with me. And that practice has stayed with me to the present. I have often talked to God(s) on the level of peers and friends as if they are there in front of me. I know it looked like I was talking to myself but I didn't care. It helped.
Saying those three little prayers and talking to Jesus was my religion for years. In 2006, I met and started to date Justin. Through our relationship, I had met many people who would become my best friends. They are Laine Glaistig, Nathan Large and of course Sarah "Rose" Large. These three individuals introduced me to their practice of paganism. You could say it was based on Wicca but I believe it to be their own, their homebrew & their practice. They had invited me to their home rituals which celebrated the equinoxes, solstices, and other holidays. Participating in those rituals were eye opening experiences for me. They helped make paganism/magic/the craft real for me. It helped me de-mystify my assumptions and misconceptions. It helped me draw parallels between what they practiced and what I was used to with Christianity. I saw that they gave prayers to God(s), they broke bread, they gave wine and told a story/lesson (which is much like a sermon). It helped normalize paganism and sparked interest in its practice and applications.
Let us fast forward to Wednesday September 9, 2009. My roommate, Laine, had come to me and asked if I would be interested in performing a rite/ritual for Odin on that Wednesday. He explained that Wednesday was particularly favorable to Odin and the number 9 was sacred. Since the date was 9/9/09, the three nines were especially a good sign. So I said yes. Later I saw this rite as my initiation into my heathenism. At the the rite, I petitioned the All-Father to open myself to the mysteries of the universe. I asked for wisdom and knowledge. Now I have to say I have always had a fascination with Norse myths and legends. When I bought the Llewellyn World Magic Book, entitled "Norse Magic". I was really engrossed with the myths and the names, and the legends. At that time in the late 90's, it was a passing fancy. After the Rite of 2009, I believe that Odinn had planted a seed within my subconscious that would awaken at a later time.
In 2010, I had found out that my boyfriend/partner of 4 years had been cheating on me behind my back for 2 years prior. I was devastated. (If you come to learn anything about me, I am firm believer in monogamy and betrayal of trust is my number one deal breaker.) I prayed a lot during that time. I prayed every night for an answer. As a couple, we decided to stick together and work our problems out. In October 2011, I got a new job and was changing schedules. It left Sunday mornings open to me. I had seen fliers for St John's Grace Episcopal church and with my new schedule, I decided to give them a try.
I wasn't quite sure what I was getting with the Episcopal church. I had done a little research with St John's Grace. I checked out their creed and articles of faith. I was impressed with the openness and welcoming spirit especially when it states that they don't excluded anyone based on sexual orientation. The services were unique in that they were small and everyone truly greeted each other like family. I had found a home & foundation for myself in St John's Grace. It wasn't merely a church I go to. It was a church I belonged to. The lessons on wholeness and becoming whole were the greatest lessons for me. It gave me a purpose to help heal myself and transform myself into the Jim Hodur I was meant to be.
In the summer of 2012, I had the pleasure of camping down at the Brushwood Folklore Centre in Sherman, NY. I was camping for the weekend during the Sirius Rising Festival. I had decided to take a workshop on Reiki. Reiki is a energy work technique developed in Japan. We all have access to this energy but sometimes in our lives it gets blocked or stopped up. Reiki helps return the flow to normal. It's a healing art and good meditative toolfor anyone. I extremely proud to be a practitioner of Reiki. It's interesting to note that Reiki led me to my Heathenry.
In November of 2012, my step mom had invited me to go with her to her Reiki Circle at Mystic Wolf Healing Arts. There I had an experience that it can safely say was sacred. During the Reiki session, Odin, Thor, and Freya had come into my mind. Their names and their imagery was very potent within me. I was petitioning Odin, Thor, Freya and Jesus to help heal the person and protect them.
This epiphany moment led to a resurgent fascination with Norse Myth and Runes. The spark that starts a fire. I did some digging on the meanings of the name of Odin. His name means breath, energy, ecstatic, and excitement. So it led me to conclude that Odin was a great teacher for me with my Reiki. I came across an article by Diana Paxson in which talked about how Odin obtained certain wisdoms from feminine sources. This excited me because I connected the fact that I was attuned to Reiki by a female instructor, my counselor was a Reiki master and so is my step mom. So three women whose wisdom was imparting me with working with universal energy or if I may suppose Odinnhic Energy. At very least, Odin was with me on my journey to discover Reiki.
In July of 2013, I attended the entire Sirius Rising Festival. Justin and I had broken up for good. My intention for the festival was primarily healing and secondly I want to explore my heathen side. In fact, the term "heathen" was unknown to me until then. There I met Diana Paxson in person and got to attend her workshops including the seidh trance workshop. That festival I was able to come to terms with my relationship with Justin and the break up. I forgave Justin for his betrayal of trust and the cheating. It took a lot of my spirit to say those words, "I forgive you". They were powerful words. As a result of the festival, I concluded that I AM a Christian Heathen.
Since Sirius Rising, I was searching for things that would help me heal, that could guide me to explore my inner self. So I thought that I should take up the runes just as Odin had. I enlisted Laine and she will be helping me create my own rune set soon this Spring. I didn't want to buy a pre-fab set. I thought it would be more appropriate to make my own set. So I went looking for a branch with Laine and her fiancee, Maur last fall. It is drying out right now and almost ready to be cut & made.
I know, I know it's a weird mix, a strange pantheon. People are confused when I mention that I am a Christian Heathen. But I don't find it weird. It is my path to walk. I enjoy wandering the crossroads, the Bifrost bridges of life. I am the wanderer who walks between the worlds of the one god and the many. I am the grey pilgrim wandering far and wide learning, always learning...
Hail Odin! Hail Freya! Hail Thor! Hail Jesus! Peace be with you! Namaste!
